Sunday, May 22, 2011

Irrational Fears

Becoming a mother is a very challenging time in my opinion. I have been a whirlwind of emotions that range from excitement, to terror, to blissful happiness and true fear of "oh no what have I gotten myself into".

Trying to finish up school, going back to work full time, having a husband who is never home because he works 90+ hours a week can really take a toll on you. Now add upcoming parenthood and I think I might have been more than a little justified in my fears of upcoming motherhood. I knew I ALWAYS wanted to be a mom, and planned and planned for when we could start trying to get pregnant, but I never dreamed it would happen so quickly.  I feel so blessed by this miracle.

I'm a fairly negative person (I'm constantly working on being more positive) and I always thought that since being a mom was the one thing I always wanted more than anything, it was going to be my hardest thing to achieve. But luckily my fears were greatly unneeded. However as the news of becoming parents began to sink in I began to feel like my world was closing in and wondering if we really shouldn't have waited a little longer to try.

These fears come from me being selfish, to wondering if I'm truly ready to be a mom, and if I'm going to be a good mom. I love children but I can always go home and get a full nights rest afterwards.

I'm selfish in that in our entire 5 year relationship I have been in school for all but 3 months of them. I sometimes shamefully wish we could have spent more time together just the two of us. We went from living in 2 different cities only seeing each other on the weekends, to 3 blissful months of being newlyweds to me working and going to school full time in which he then got a second job. All of this leaves about what feels like 2 hours a week (usually the drive to and from church on Sunday mornings) together.

I realize our struggles are not necessarily unique but I have to confess that they got the best of me in the beginning of this pregnancy. However as I begin to feel the baby more and more I am growing more and more excited. Babies don't need expensive things to be happy, they need love and a nurturing environment which I am dedicated to providing for this beautiful gift from God.

From this day forward (though I'm betting will have a few slight set backs) I vow to try and focus on the positive things Adam and I have and stop worrying so much about the things I can not control. I truly can not wait to hold my precious baby and learn to be a mom, however I still have fears of scaring this child for life, or whether or not I will truly get that "mothering instinct" and connect with this baby. All of these are just fears that are irrational and unneeded and deep down I know this. But sometimes they still get the best of me... I will continue trying to push out those negative thoughts...

I love you baby Chafin more and more each day, and it brings a tear to my eye to know that I helped create you, and provide a place for you to grow and become my perfect little miracle. Because truly to me you are my miracle that has changed my life and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. :)

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