He left about 5 this morning and I got up to say goodbye and then cried for about 15 minutes but then of course could not fall back asleep. I just hate being home alone, and the worst part is, with my work schedule the next few weeks I really will only seem him for 1 day until the end of July because I work every time he is home but I will be able to snuggle him at night so that is a good thing. I try to put a positive spin on it by saying now I won't feel guilty for studying all the time with him gone and he is staying with his parents which I'm so happy about since I can't get down there until September. I love that he his going to be able to spend some quality time with his parents, grandparents and friends that are all down there. But in reality I'm still sad. I know that so many people have it way worse than I do and this makes me feel stupid for even complaining. I mean he is working to support us and this provides him with job security for the next 2 years, which is much needed at this point in life. I should be happy and in many ways I am but for the time being I'm having a pity party.
The other part of my emotional breakdown was school. I'm so tired of being in school. I have a pit in my stomach constantly from stress of trying to keep my head above water with school and work. Plus the piling bills of student loans makes me want to puke! Life is turning out to be much harder than I thought it would be and I'm not much of a fan. I'm hoping once I'm done with school some of this stress and constant worrying will be done but something tells me it just won't be.
Then we have the children factor of the equation. All I've EVER wanted was to have kids, 4-5 would be perfect for me. And to be honest it KILLS me knowing I can't and won't have that until at the very earliest I'm 27! I feel like all I'm doing is wasting my time, I hate that I ever went into the major I did and I hate that I wasted 4 years of my life doing something I knew in my gut after 2 years wasn't for me.
Of course after thinking through all of this, and seeing how ridiculous and petty I'm being I realize that my life is going exactly how it should be according to God's plan and I just have to learn to adjust. I have a lot of GREAT things going for me, so why is it I focus on the things that aren't going how I want them to? I think in today's society its hard to sit back and trust in what God has planned for us. This was very apparent to me last night while studying in the park. I had a butterfly that would not leave me alone. He kept landing on my school work. For those of you who don't know me, my family is quite obsessed with butterflies. Now I'm not sure what his message was to me. But I'm choosing to take it as him showing me that I'm on the right track of what God has planned for me.
Writing this post has been most therapeutic for me. I feel much better after writing out all my feelings. I realize now while it's ok to miss my wonderfully amazing husband so very much. It doesn't mean my world stops because he is gone. I am going to make this a very productive time for getting through this horrible semester. God has a plan for me and him and I just need to trust in it.
Keep your head up, Steph! I know that it sucks while Adam is gone, but think of it as time for you to focus on you and time for him to focus on him. With wanting 4-5 kids, I would treasure your "alone time" now. :)
ReplyDeleteLife is always going to have stress, but you learn to adapt and how to survive. Kids and work bring on a whole new category of stress.