Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Confessions of a Working Mama

I can't believe I went back to work almost a month ago! I blame the lack of sleep from working nightshift as to why I haven't been able to post very much lately. For me it's really hard to transition back to days after working nights. So we shall see how this goes.

My first week back to work was an ok one. I was at the nursing fundamentals orientation class that was roughly 8-4 Tues - Thurs. That week I pawned Lincoln off onto different family members (I had to try really hard...haha) everyone took a different day, Adam, Dad, Mom and Adams parents had friday. Everyone obviously took great care of my angel baby, but for me that wasn't the point. It wasn't about not trusting who was taking care of him, it was I wanted to be the one taking care of him. Lincoln is very lucky to have so many people who love him and want to care for him, but for me its just not quite the same.

Growing up I never wanted to work. In fact one of my close friends always sort of laughs that when she first met me, she was shocked when I told her at 15 that all I wanted to be when I got older was a mom. I never and still don't have high aspirations for a career. I just want to show up to work because it's financially necessary, do a good job and get back to what really matters to me...Adam and Lincoln.

Given this I should have known when I went to college the first time that BCM just wasn't for me, I needed a job that would provide me the ability to almost stay home with my kids. I wasn't going to bank on mr. right making millions or even enough to support us for me to be a SAHM. I always knew I'd have to work in some shape or form. Now I do wish Adam made a little more money so we could afford to let me stay home, but that's just not in the cards for us, and I've ultimately come to terms with that.  This is why nursing is a great "career" choice for me. I can work my 3 days and then come home and be with my boys.

However being away from Lincoln is hard for many reasons. Obviously I just hate being away from him, but also because I hate pumping. For those breastfeeding mom's out there I personally think pumping is the worst! I hate it, it's so time consuming and while I'm working I feel bad that I have to leave for 30ish minutes to go pump and someone else has to watch my patients. Now I don't hate it enough to give up breastfeeding so I guess I'll just have to get over it.

But ultimately things have gone rather smoothly. Adam has unfortunately been out of town most of my time back at work so I've had different family members stay with him during the night and then the day so that I can sleep.

His Auntie stayed with him the first 2 nights I worked, and poor Auntie got put through the ringer, the first night he was up every 45 minutes, the next night he was up every 2 hours, and then when I was home again he slept for 8 hours straight!!! I think it was hard on him too not having mom there to fall asleep to.

For me the hardest part about working nights is that since Adam is gone out of town most of the time I have to have someone basically watch my baby for 18+ hours, or if I work 2 days in a row 48+ hours, because they have to "watch" him at night and then I have to be able to get some sleep so the "watch" him during the day and wake me when he's ready to eat. Thus far it's been great because my sister and cousin were off of school, but we are back to reality this week and my mom and dad have graciously offered to help me out.

I'm not a big fan of daycare and really have zero desire to send my kids to daycare which is why I've chosen to work nights. I always thought Adam would be here during the nights and then I would just need someone for a few hours during the day while I took a quick 4 hour nap. Well as it turns out since Adam got his new job and is gone most of the time I feel I'm having to rely on people too much. My mom and Dad were the ones who were going to alternate watching him for those 4 hour stretches while I rested, I felt 4 hours wasn't too bad, but now those 4 hours have turned into 18 hours and I just feel bad having them have to give up so much of their time to watch him. I have an aunt who is a SAHM and has offered to take care of Lincoln but she unfortunately lives 30ish minutes away. I was thinking last night that maybe if she had an extra bed for me to sleep in I may take her up on her offer some day to help give my parents a bit of relief.

So overall the transition back to work has been a smooth one, but only time shall tell. I hate being away from my little man but as Adam say's I'm caring for him in a different way, it's just not the way I'd prefer.

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