"Loser"

Ok so my new attitude on school isn't 100% perfected yet. I'm having a low moment and in that low moment my itunes started to play one of my favorites. It started playing Loser by 3DD. This pretty much sums up how I feel right about now. This nursing program is sucking the life out of me, and making me question whether or not it's worth it anymore. As well as trying to decide whether or not God is trying to tell me something. I've never failed anything in my life and I'm in real jeopardy of failing out of school...I know it's not my job to understand why God challenges me, but I'm struggling with this at the moment. However, 3DD has a way of making me feel better once again! Love me some 3DD!!

Loser
3 Doors Down


Breathe in right away. 
Nothing seems to fill this place. 

I need this everytime 

So take your lies, get off my case. 

Someday I will find 

A love that flows through me like this 

This will fall away, this will fall away. 

You're getting closer 

To pushing me off of life's little edge 

'Cause I'm a loser 

And sooner or later you know I'll be dead 

You're getting closer 

You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall 

'Cause I'm a loser, I'm a loser, yeah. 

This is getting old. 

I can't break these chains that I hold 

My body's growing cold 

There's nothing left of this mind or my soul. 

Addiction needs a pacifier, the buzz of this poison is taking me higher. 

This will fall away, this will fall away. 

You're getting closer 

To pushing me off of life's little edge. 

'Cause I'm a loser 

And sooner or later you know I'll be dead. 

You're getting closer 

You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall 

'Cause I'm a loser 

I'm a loser! 

You're getting closer 

To pushing me off of life's little edge. 

'Cause I'm a loser 

And sooner or later you know I'll be dead. 

You're getting closer 

You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall. 

'Cause I'm a loser 

You're getting closer 

To pushing me off of life's little edge 

'Cause I'm a loser 

And sooner or later you know I'll be dead. 

You're getting closer 

You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall. 

'Cause I'm a loser. 

Ok now back to studying, I feel better just listening to them! Thats why the rock!!! :) The new and improved attitude is on track once again... a few slip ups once and again isn't all bad right??

I've Got a New Attitude

I had my 3rd Peds test about 2 hours ago and lets just say it left little to be desired. I am no longer passing, granted through my calculations I need just a 4 point curve to be passing, I just hate depending on that.

However, I refuse to complain anymore. My frustrations with this program go deep and if it weren't for the amount of money I had invested in this education(and the fact that the end so near) I would walk away and find a program that is actually established and worth the money that it costs and that I actually get something out of other than frustration. I feel like crying every second of every day due to the mere frustration and all I can say is "I JUST DON'T GET IT". I'm tired of fighting every person in this program for what I feel is right. I just wish that people would stop looking out for themselves and actually have a moral ground to stand on and do what is morally right. (this is a whole other topic) 

However, instead of complaining I've decided (in my 20 min ride home) to take a different approach. God is challenging me for reasons I don't quite understand but that understanding is not for me to know. I need to grow from this experience and become a better person because of it. I will continue with my sufferings and offer them up to Jesus who suffered for me. These few months of suffering are nothing compared to what God has endured on my behalf. This is the least of what I owe him. I trust in his plan (well most of the time) and need to focus on what is good in my life instead of constantly looking over my shoulder to those who have what I want. 

I will stop trying to control my life and everything in it (Darn grandma and her type A personality) and have pure trust in what God has in store for me. I can only work within my own limitations and the rest is up to God. I will work hard to get to where I believe I'm supposed to go, but if not then once again trust in God's plan for me. 

God is ever present and will point me in the right direction. I trust in Him and surrender to His will

"It's Not My Time"

I'm not one who enjoys complaining, but it seems like lately that's all I do. To be honest it stems from not being fully happy with my life. I love my husband and friends and family. Best of all I have a growing relationship with God and while that should all be enough it just doesn't seem to be for me. I'm almost embarrassed to even say that I'm unhappy because I have so much more going for me than a lot of people and I need to focus on this. I need to focus on the good in my life and not what I don't have. 

I'm a HUGE 3 doors down fan. They are by far and above my favorite band out there. I listen to them almost daily. This song is from their latest release (2008) and I think the chorus fits for me. This life that I'm leading is not over, it's not my time. I often feel that nursing school will be the death of me, and considering I'm not doing overly well in Peds right now, that truth has come more to the surface for me. Soooo here is my anthem for the next 10 months. Nursing school will not be the death of me and I will get to live the life I've always dreamed eventually, it's just Not my Time right now, and I have to learn to have piece with that. Sooo here are the lyrics to one of my FAVORITE songs ever....

"It's Not My Time"

Looking back at the beginning of this

And how life was

Just you and me loving all of our friends

Living life like an ocean

But now the current's only pulling me down

It’s getting harder too breath

It won’t be to long and I will be going under

Can you save me from this?

Cause it’s not my time I'm not going

There's a fear in me it’s not showing

This could be the end of me

And everything I know

Oh but I won’t go

I look ahead to all the plans that we made

And the dreams that we had

I'm in a world that tries to take them away

Oh but I'm taking them back

Cause all of this time I've just been too blind to understand

What should matter to me

My friends this life we live, it’s not what we have

It’s what we believe in

Cause it’s not my time I'm not going

There's a fear in me but it’s not showing

This could be the end of me

And everything I know

But it’s not my time I'm not going

There's a will in me and now I know that

This could be the end of me

And everything I know

Oh but I won’t go

I won’t go

There might be more than you believe

(There might be more than you believe)

There might be more than you can see

But it’s not my time I'm not going

There's a fear in me it’s not showing

This could be the end of me

And everything I know

But it’s not my time I'm not going

There's a will in me and now it’s gonna show

This could be the end of me

And everything I know

Oh

There might be more than you believe

(There might be more than you believe)

There might be more than you can see

But I won’t go

No I won’t go down

Yeah 

Love me some 3DD...thanks for the inspiration!

PEDIATRICS is hard

I realize it's been a while since I've blogged, and it's mainly due to the fact that I've been super busy with this Pediatrics rotation.
As it turn out my instructor was worse on paper than in person. In fact, in person, she's awesome and I've learned so much from her. So lets play a little catch up.

I love the clinical portion of this rotation. We are at Peyton Manning Children's Hospital (PMCH) and it's so awesome. The nurses are so nice, and so welcoming to students. It's a very laid back atmosphere, which makes sense since you are dealing with kids. The patient population ranges anywhere from 2-3 days old, to 17 years of age. The saddest part is knowing that these kids are missing out on so much by being in the hospital for months at a time.

During this rotation I've been able to give my first IV meds, give my first meds through an NG tube (it's a tube that goes in through your nose to your stomach) and see a wound vac changed. Needless to say it's been a great nursing experience! I always knew that Peds was an option for me, but it's been nice to get first hand experience. In fact in deciding to go back to school for nursing I had taken a couple of vacation days from my job to shadow a nurse at PMCH on their medical unit as well as their PICU(pediatric intensive care unit). I liked both of these so much that I decided to bite the bullet and go for another 3-4 years of schooling to get my nursing degree.

While the clinical portion of this rotation rocks, the didactic portion leaves little to be desired. I am just struggling as a whole with how these "teachers" are ok with and feel like they are worth the money we are paying for these classes when all they do it answer emails. The way this online thing is set up is that, we have modules that we have to complete, most classes are set up so that if the class was a full semester we would have one module to complete every week, but being that it's an accelerated class we have anywhere from 5-8 to do in one week. Each module has at least 1 chapter to read, a discussion board posting and review activities. In previous classes these modules also contained your audio lecture with notes that you were able to follow. However for these last two rotations there has been nothing. Basically these teachers just say "here's 8 modules with 8 different chapters to read totally about 370 pages worth of information to read in one week with absolutely no guidance from me." We get minimal notes(they have a few bullet points on each slide), and no "study guide" to help us while we study. Pretty much BS if you ask me. If I were an online instructor, I would try to take a little more pride in my work and help the students as much as possible. When you think about it, being an online teacher seems like a dream job, and in reality it really is. There is a lot of initial work involved but once you've recorded your lectures, made your exams, and made your notes, it is set up so that most of the work is already done for you. However the problem is that these "teachers" haven't made taken the time to get the course going.

My frustration lies with this fact. To me it's just PURE laziness that you can't take the time to make sure you're students have everything they need to succeed. I'm not asking for you to hold my hand and give me spoon feed me everything, I mean I realize that some things need to be done on my own. But lectures and a guide for what we need to focus our studying on when you have almost 400 pages worth of information would be nice. I mean talking to some people about nursing school, they will say that they rarely used their books but went to lecture everyday and passed their classes. Seem a little off?????
My even bigger pet peeve is that when you talk to anyone about it, their excuse is "well the NCLEX is just like this". GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK, you have to get me through nursing school before I EVER have to worry about the stinking NCLEX. You've GOT to be kidding me if you think this is ok. I mean what the H are these "teachers" being paid for? If you're going to have a program where everything is self taught, why the H am I spending $12,000 a semester for your institution? (woooosaaaahhhh)

Consequently since I'm a terrible reader and learn best by audio or visual means my exam grades have been less than good. I was able to prove to my instructor that one question was wrong and get points back so I'm sitting at a little bit more comfortable grade but I'm still frustrated. To be honest if I hadn't spent a crap ton of money already on this program and wasn't almost half way through, I'd quit and find a different program. They say they are working on improving this program but honestly I think they are just blowing sunshine up my rear. Because when you go in to talk to their new clinical coordinator she tries to make it about me and saying that maybe I'm not cut out for online classes. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that I've taken 10 online classes prior to this and never got lower than a 94 in those classes and one of them was chemistry, so kiss my rear! The previous online classes all had lectures, notes and discussions that actually aided in my studying instead of creating extra BS I didn't need.

Ok I'm off my soap box, but man do I feel better. Well the next exam is next Monday so if any of you have an spare time around 9am that day, please say some extra prayers for me. I need all the help I can get!
much love,

Sadie Bug is 2...wow!

My precious Sadie bug turned 2 yesterday. WOWO! I can't believe my little fluffernuffer is 2. Sadie truly helps make my life more interesting.
Sadie entered our lives officially 2 years ago, but the idea of her began about 3.5 years ago. When Adam and I first met, all he wanted was a German Shepherd. I was never really a fan of that breed of dog. I mean I never found them cute and cuddly and all. I thought they were ugly and not much fun.
Adam and I went to see I Am Legend a couple years ago, and there was a German Shepherd in that movie that was so cool. That was the first time I began to come around to the idea of having a German Shepherd. So Adam and I decided that once we got married we would get his German Shepherd. We decided to wait until we would buy a house so the dog would be able to have a hard and more room to run around and play. We also decided that since I wasn't much of a fan of the German Shepherds we could get an all black one and I'd be ok with that.
In talking with some family friends, I found this guy who was a German Shepherd breeder. So one day in July I finally made my way over to this guys business (he owns a dog training place in Fishers) and put my down payment on a dog. I told them I would like to have an all black female. They told me they only had one Mom pregnant at the moment and they wouldn't produce an all black puppy. It would be at least a year until they got any all black puppies. So I called Adam and he said he didn't care and he just wanted the dog. So I reluctantly put my $250 deposit down for the dog I didn't really want.
At the end of September we got a call saying it would be soon when the puppies would arrive and they would call us to come meet them. On October 7, 2008 Sadie was born. We were told it would be a few weeks till we could pick her out but we should come as often as possible to get to know the puppies.
We eventually were able to pick out Sadie, it was a tough decision since we were 2nd to last to pick a girl, but we did it, and we patiently waited to bring her home.
On December 5, 2008 we finally got to bring the newest member of our family home.

 She joined big sister Kacie and the two quickly become BFF!

Now Sadie was quite different from her sister. Sadie had a bad bout of diarrhea for the first 2 months of her life. Everyday when Adam and I got home Sadie was COVERED in poop! She got a bath DAILY. It was aweful. I was taking her to the vet almost every other day and at $200 each time, things started to add up. I was getting really annoyed. I was actually almost ready to get rid of her! Finally one day in January, we went out for my cousins birthday and it was 3 AM when we got home and Sadie had the worst blow out ever. She was covered in poop, it was all over my walls, all over my floor and and on the carpet (how so much poop came out of a tiny thing I'll never know).  But I decided I would bathe her and it was at that moment I fell in love. She looked at me, soaking wet, and just melted my heart, it was as though she said "mommy I'm sorry, please don't hate me".

Well as it turns out, Sadie developed IBS. (yes Irritable Bowel Syndrome in a DOG!!!) So we put her on a special food and from that day forward she was cured. She had no more issues, unless she got a hold of something she shouldn't (i mean if she ate certain treats, or got a hold of a towel, or whatever it would open the flood gates ::frustrating::)
But in time we figured it out and this year we were finally able to put her and Kacie on the same food (talk about a reduction in our food costs!!!).
So 2 years later and I'm completely in love with my Sadie bug. I often call her my toddler. She is stubborn as you'll ever see. I still sometimes have to walk outside to tell her to pee because she is just that stubborn. But she is fun and brings a smile to my face daily. I love when she tries to crawl up my chest so she can nuzzle my neck and just be close to me. She shows affection only on her terms and often acts like a teenager in front of her friends. But I have fun torturing her and playing with her.
She's an amazing dog, and I'm glad Adam "forced" me to get her. She has been a great addition to our little family. and Kacie and Sadie are completely inseparable. When one is gone doing something, the other is completely distraught over the fact that the other is missing. But I love her to pieces and she truly is an amazing dog!

Sadie Bug I LOVE you and Happy 2nd Birthday!