Monday, June 26, 2017

Journey to another Babe

Adam and I have always wanted a large family. After unexpectedly getting pregnant with the girls and all the uncertainty that came with carrying them we weren't always 100% sure that we wanted more children. I remember one of my MFM doctors asking me if we were done having kids while we were still pregnant with the girls. I remember telling him, "tell me both these girls will survive and I will be". He had asked me this while I was still early around 23ish weeks with the girls. The reason he had asked this was because we knew I was going to have a C-section and at the gestation that we were talking about it, I was going to have to have a classical incision, that means they pretty much cut you stem to sternum. The problem with this is, it makes carrying any future pregnancies harder because of the tension that full term babies put on your incision. He told me that if I were to have any future kids with a classical incision they would have to do a repeat C-section at 34/35 weeks which would mean any future kids we would have would automatically be NICU babies. Once he said that wasn't sure I would, I didn't want to set up any more kids for early deliveries and I wasn't sure I'd ever want to go thought something like that again. Well thankfully come delivery day with the girls we had gotten almost 4 weeks more with them than we had originally anticipated and we were able to get a transverse incision which not only insured that we wouldn't HAVE to deliver early, but that I would also be given a fighting chance to have a VBAC!

I also remember several of Lorelai's NICU nurses asking me if we planned to have any more kids. While it was quite premature to ask that considering we had just lost Laynie and she was still a wee babe in the NICU I remember thinking that yes I would have more. My family didn't feel complete. Though would it ever feel complete since Laynie was resting in our hearts instead of in our arms?

Losing Laynie and dealing with the minor issues of Lorelai being premature left Adam and I feeling drained most days. Having to balance her therapies and doctors appointments weren't always easy. And honestly dealing with the constant pain from losing Laynie left us wondering if we would ever be ready to have another baby.

We slowly began to adjust to our new normal and realized that perhaps we would want another babe. So we decided this past fall that we might be ready and began to truly think about having another babe. I didn't want to be pregnant at my sister's wedding so we had decided once we got home we would just see what God had in store for us.

Well come January I decided to take a pregnancy test. I wasn't sure if I was pregnant or not, but I was a few days late. Though I wasn't completely regular since finishing pumping 8 months prior, I had a sneaking suspicion. And sure enough it was positive. I immediately felt joy and excitement, followed by anxiety, nervousness and fear and a little bit of sadness.  Of course I took the test without Adam knowing or him being home. I was wracking my brain to figure out how to tell him. Well I had to work that night and Adam was running late so I never got to see him. So we were talking on my way into work and he was talking about having another babe and I couldn't contain the excitement or wait until we actually had time together to tell him so I simply said. "how about in September". The joy and excitement that came through his voice was so heartwarming. His excitement made me so happy. I wasn't sure how excited he would be, or how he would react. I mean it's baby #5, but his excitement was as strong as it was with any of the other ones which helped to ease some of my nerves.

Being pregnant after a loss is definitely hard. The emotions you go through on a daily basis is unreal, not to mention all those hormones that make things that much more difficult. All in all I am very happy and excited to be having another baby, but this time my nerves are getting to me. I'm scared that something will be wrong with this babe, I'm scared of how I will react once I have this babe, I'm nervous that due to delivering early last time that I will do the same thing this time. I'm worried Laynie will feel like we are replacing her. I feel guilty for not being 100% happy. But with talking to Adam about all my roller coaster of emotions has helped. I would very much like to have twins again simply because I want to know what it is like to raise twins. I know that I will always be a twin mom. But I want to know the challenges and all that, that is associated with raising them! But after my first ultrasound we learned there is just one babe in there and it appears to be healthy and viable! which truly as much as wanting twins is the most important thing. We truly just want a healthy babe no matter if it is one or two babes.

Honestly after I got over the wee bit of disappointment learning it was just one babe I began to feel quite excited and happy that we were having a healthy baby. So to our future little one... Please be safe in my belly, grow big and stay inside until close to your due date, but I can't wait to hold and snuggle your sweet little face.

No comments:

Post a Comment