Let me go

I've had a rough couple of days emotionally and this song really helped me through. I cannot wait to go see them in 2 days!! I am so thankful that I have an understanding husband, that he tolerates my obsession and will drive 2.5 hours with me to go see them!!!

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me go...
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I knowww..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

Uneasiness...

Lately I've been having an inner struggle. A struggle that gives me great amount of uneasiness and to be truthful scares me half to death.

I am someone who has always chosen to turn the other cheek when it comes to bad news. I don't watch the news, I don't like to dwell on the unfortunate things and I really just like to pretend my life is a little bubble that no bad things can happen to. For those who know me, know that I'm not immune to tragedy and to be honest that tragedy nearly broke me and is something I still struggle with. But it's also a tragedy that through the help of my friends and time, I've grown to be a stronger person because of, while also hoping and praying I never go through something like it EVER again!

In the past when I would watch the news or hear about bad news it would truly destroy me. It would in a sense ruin my world. I would sit there and cry and feel so helpless. I don't like feeling that way, so a long time ago I made the conscious decision not to watch the news and sort of live in a bubble where life was happy and bad things didn't happen. haha nice try...

However lately it's been really hard for me to do this. Over the year of 2012 there were several unimaginable tragedies that happened in our nation. From the shootings in Auroa movie theater to the most recent shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School. My heart figuratively breaks when I think of what all those precious souls went through in the last hours of their lives, the terror they felt, and grief, the sadness, the worry and the list goes on.

When I truly think of these obvious tragedies, it greatly saddens me to think that these are just a few of the things that some people in other countries experience on a daily basis. Which gets me to my uneasiness.

I truly sometimes wonder where the good is in our world. I feel like when I watch the news or listen to what is going on around me it is just filled with hate crimes, murder, people expecting a handout with out working for it and these things make me so very sad and frustrated and only further makes me want to raise my bubble and protect the ones I love.

So my uneasiness comes from wondering where our world will be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now...I'm scared of the world that I am raising my most precious son. I sometimes even feel like I did him a grave disservice to bring him into such a horrible world that he will most likely suffer through even more so than I did. It makes me sad to think like this so like I said I try no to, and I suppose that all anyone can really do, but lately it's just so hard.

But I wish I could find a way to change, to change the way people act, to change where our country is headed with all the negativity and hatred, to change the hardships the children of this generation will go through. I want my children and all the small children around me to live in a world where your word means something, people aren't innately evil, people are good and want to help others....maybe I'm just dreaming but every now and again you get a glimpse of how life could be like that way I just pray with ever fiber of my being that we all someday will move towards that...

ok I'm done rambling...

stephanie

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Last night I once again met with some of my favorite ladies for our monthly book club. I had been chosen a while ago to be the secretary...thats madame bookclub secretary to those who want to know. ;) In looking back at where we all started and how many people we have grown by it really makes me thankful to have such strong, faithful, wonderful women in my life! The book we discussed last night was The perks of being a wallflower and amazingly enough it was our 28th book!!! go us!!! Since I've slacked off in the whole blogging about my books thing ONCE AGAIN, here is a recap of the previous several books we've read....

In May...yes may...we read What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty. I have to say while this was a very long book, I loved it. It really spoke to you(me) about how quickly people can change and become affected by the little things in life, and how those little things often become HUGE things that drive people apart. The premise of the book is about a woman, Alice, who while at her spinning class falls and bumps her head. When she wakes up she believes she is 10 years younger and about to celebrate her 30th birthday instead of in fact her 40th. The book takes you on Alice's journey of discovering why her and her husband whom she believes she loves so very much are on the verge of divorce, why her daughter does not like her, and who are the small boys that people tell her are her sons. It really makes you think and appreciate the simple things in life and for me really made me want to strive to continue to be living in my 20s and happy and hope that I, or my husband, don't become bitter in our 30s. I highly recommend this book.
I rate it a 9.5/10!

In June we read, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua. I had actually wanted to read this book after I read an article about it in People Magazine. So I was rather thrilled to read it. I am sad to say that I unfortunately didn't finish it nor did I make it to the book club to discuss it that month, I had picked up 2 extra shifts that week and the night of book club was my only night off and I decided to spend it sleeping and with my boys. But what I did read of the book was challenging. The book is much like a memoir of how Amy raised her half Asian half American girls in American by the ideals that she was taught in being a Tiger mother. To be honest I struggled with this book. Being a parent myself much of the way Amy chose to raise her daughters wasn't how I will choose to raise mine. While I don't think Amy was wrong, it was just different. They believe very much in straight A's and being the best at a musical instrument chosen by the parents. It was rather comical to see how Amy butted heads and struggled with her youngest daughter LuLu. Since I did not finish it I don't think its fair for me to say I felt super strongly one way or the other but what I will say is that it was a very interesting perspective and brought much insight into the Asian philosophies on parenting and while I don't choose to raise my children this way, I'm glad some people do because although it is very much a stereotype Asian people have helped our world in many ways with their undeniable smarts and inventions most likely due to their parents pushing them so hard.
I rate it a 7/10

In July we read The Long Way Home by Karen McQuestion. This is another book that I just LOVED. It was fun and easy read that brought you out of reality and let you live for a few moments through someone else. Its a story of how 4 women from all walks of life, all at crossroads in their lives looking for the next thing decide to take a road trip. It takes you on a journey as the four women travel across the country for one woman to be reunited with her step son. Its an endearing tail of how sometimes complete strangers are in your life for a reason and help you through some of your toughest moments. I loved all the characters and I loved how each of them brought a different aspect to the story. Great read!
I rate it an 9/10

In August we read The Illumination by Kevin Brockmeier. I have to honestly say I HATED this book. It was a very challenging, long and stupid book, to be quite frank. The story is about how one day there is what people call the Illumination where for some reason when people are in pain, physical or emotional you are able to see it on them because there is a light that reflects off their bodies. The book goes through 4 peoples lives after this illumination as a journal written by a man to his wife travels from person to person over the course of several years. Sounds interesting I know. But it was very poorly executed. You kept thinking that things would come full circle but NO, it feels like it just rambles at points and isn't interesting in the middle or the end. Not worth your time...
I rate it a 3/10

In September we read Defending Jacob by William Landay. I truly enjoyed this book! This book is about a DA in Massachusetts who gets a case about a young boy who was murdered. As the case progresses you find that the main suspect is in fact the DA's son. I don't want to say much more about it other than its a very heartfelt story of a father who tries desperately to save his son's life and really  makes you question how much of life is about nurture vs nature. Are we all genetically predisposed to be one way or does how we are raised and the environments in which we live in affect us in ways we will never be able to comprehend. LOVE IT!
I rate it a 9.5/10

In October we read Lord of the Flies by William Golding. I remember being assigned to read this book back in high school and since I refused to read a single book in high school I never read it then.  All I remembered about the book is a conch shell, and how it was about a bunch of boys who were stranded on an island. Well all of that is true, but there is obviously more to it. All though I tried hard to finish it, I did not. In my defense, I started a new job, and Lincoln celebrated his first birthday so I was a little preoccupied (thats my excuse and I'm sticking to it). But its definitely an interesting read of how instinct in grave circumstances comes out. While I found myself zoning out through most of it, it was a decent book, for me it was just a little wordy and rambled about unnecessary things throughout it.
I rate what I read a 7/10

In November we read Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. This was my choice. I had a hard time coming up with something to read. When not reading book club books I tend to go for the trashy romance novels and I didn't want to pick one of those, so I did some research and read a lot of book club blogs and came up with this. The problem I think I faced was this book was built up too much. Everyone kept saying how GREAT it was and it was only so/so for me. It truly is a heart breaking tale of how F*$%^ed up people can be. It's a rather suspenseful thriller of how a woman goes missing on her 5th anniversary, and how all signs point to her husband. It takes you on a twisted journey to find Amy's true killer and is it really her husband? While the ending was sort of ehhh really???? overall it was a book that keeps you invested and even though you don't know who to root for in the end, it was a good read
I rate it an 8/10

For the months of December/January we read The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I honestly didn't care much for this book. While it was an easy read, I feel like that is because there wasn't really a plot or a point. I don't get the point of the book. It's about a high school freshmen and his journey through his freshmen year. and thats about it....While it was nice that it was short and easy to get through it was just sort of blahhh to me. I didn't really love any of the characters and I didn't really care for the rather boring story line. Although the main character "Charlie" was rather endearing at times and I truly feel if more people were like him (a wallflower) and less consumed with their own lives the world would be a better place. However, The boy's experience through high school was so drastically different from mine that it truly did make me sad for those people who loose out on their innocence at such a young age and have had to live their lives like this. and while I didn't have this wonderful high school experience it really did make me sad that some people do have experiences like this one...
I rate it a 6/10.

Well there is the last 8 months of books. Holy Cow I really need to do better! Yippie! now on to The Plain Truth by Jodi Picoult. I've started and I am hooked....heres to hopefully getting a posting about that one next month...haha

love,
Stephanie

New Years Resolutions.

As a new year comes around many people make New Years resolutions. Things that we hope to improve ourselves and our lives in the coming year. When I tried to think of what to make my resolution this year I thought back to the countless ones I'd made before that I never held up.

This made me think about the whole reason behind why people make resolutions. I truly feel that people make them to help improve themselves and their lives. Almost like trying to get themselves back on track and become better versions of themselves. Which they probably lost somewhere along the way, because let's face it. No one but God is perfect and we all fall short sometimes.

I sort of think the whole idea behind it is good. But why do people think they need to wait until the new year to improve themselves? For me it sort of feels like when I go to confession. I tell the priest all the bad things I've done and try to not do them again and become a better Christian and child of God. Well to me resolutions are much the same. We all "confess" our short comings to ourselves and try to think of ways to improve them. That being said of course I've made some resolutions this year.

First and foremost for me is going to be to try and keep up with this blog. I feel like I've lost a whole year of my life that I've forgotten all because I couldn't keep up with blogging. Before I had Lincoln I would just blog a couple times a day or whatever and say what was going on in school and where we were in my pregnancy. I never thought for a minute that it would be so hard to keep that up after he was born. But like I've said before the whole reason I started this blog was so I could remember everything that went on in our lives while Lincoln and our hopefully many other children were young.
So this year I hope to write at least once a week. So I can have updates on my little one.

My second resolution is going to save more money than we spend. There are a few things we want to do around our house that require a little bit of money and we for some reason keep having emergencies come up that we have to pay for and haven't had the opportunity to complete these projects. Top of our list is to buy furniture for our basement and paint it. While also putting up some shelves and doors so it can be a play room for Lincoln. And second is to improve and remodel our master bathroom so that we can actually use it!!!!!!

Third I want to incorporate prayers and reading into Lincoln's bedtime routine. I do this most of the time but because of the holidays we've gotten out of the habit and I want to get back in that habit.

My fourth and final one is to overall become a healthier version of myself. While I'm not overly motivated to lose weight because we are hoping to get pregnant this year. I want to be healthier when baby #2 comes along. I'd like to get in the habit to work out in some form twice a week and eat healthier. I'd also like to start doing some spiritual reading before bed and pray the rosary daily. Or at least 3 times a week. And while its extremely difficult with a toddler I'd like to really push myself to be more present during mass. I feel like I miss out on a lot because my focus is keeping my child quiet. But I need to realize that if he is a little loud it's not the end of the world.

I hope everyone has a fabulous new year!!!

Love always,
Stephanie